A Paddle for Your Thoughts?

Whining crybaby
Photo courtesy of Gratisography

Have you ever wondered what’s wrong with America?

I mean, what’s really wrong with America?

Well, here’s my answer:



That’s right. You heard it here first. I repeat…


You can drive from sea to sea and see purple mountains majesty and foaming seas and stuff like that. The sun rises and sets. We get four seasons most everywhere (except in Florida where they get sunrises, heat, and hurricanes). God did a pretty good job with America.

It’s the people who keep screwing it up.

People rioting, having temper tantrums, holding their breath, turning blue. (Oh how I wish more of them would turn blue!)

People in the newspaper, on the TV news, splashed all over the Internet.

“Gimmee, gimmee, gimmee!”

“We don’t like this. We don’t like that. Waaaaaah!”

“Hey! Let’s start a fire!”

I think if we’re going to turn America from wrong to right, we’re going to need a new leader. A person of such wisdom and clarity, someone who could turn things around in a heartbeat.

My mother.

With my mother in charge, there would only be two courses of action for the whiny crybabies who seem to have taken the country by storm:

1) A righteous spanking with a paddle

2) Being sent to your room to take a nap

Now, I haven’t talked to my mother about this, but it doesn’t seem like paddling every brat in the country is feasible. You’d have to establish a spanking corps. A group dedicated to paddling offenders from coast to coast.

The problem nowadays is that out of a population of 309 million people, about half of those would have to be in the corps. In the old days, we simply called them “parents” but nowadays, we seem to be short on “parents” so it might not be the best way to go.

My bet is that mom would probably go for nap time.

I think her first order of business would be to create designated napping facilities throughout the country. Put one anywhere there are whiny, crabby people. You know, pretty much on every street corner…

  • Professional baseball and football games
  • Grocery store checkout lines
  • Any retail store on Black Friday (and Black Thursday Night)
  • Justin Bieber concerts
  • Capitol Hill
  • College campuses
  • Union shops
  • White collar office building

I think my mother could pull this off.

If you didn’t take your nap, she would threaten you with not coming out until you’ve taken your nap. Of course, there wouldn’t be any WiFi or computers in any of the napping areas. It would just be you, alone, with nothing but your miserable, useless thoughts. That by itself would be enough to set most people straight. Except that most people don’t think, so maybe there’s a glitch here I should tell mother about.

Well, doesn’t really matter. If anyone can straighten out the people of America, it’s my mother. Even if it takes a good paddling.

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