Canned Ham and Animal Crackers

Who is living under the bed of ignorance when they refuse to see that the price of
canned ham products and animal crackers are shooting through the roof?

Everything costs more these days and sometimes, you can’t just put necessities off any longer
because of lack of money. I mean, the broken training wheel on my bicycle isn’t going to
fix itself and the pet rock needs braces.

I had to ask for a raise at work. But how?

After shooting 200 top quality steel-tipped aluminum 13/8, 1.828 mm staples into my
cubicle wall from three feet away while pacing nervously thinking about all my money
woes, it dawned on me that I had spelled the word “pleh” out of staples which is “help”
backwards. Indeed… it was a sign.

Finally, at 4:59 p.m. on a fateful Friday afternoon, I walked with determination to the
boss’s office where I was forcefully stopped by the secretary, Ms. Butinsnots. She hit me
in the left eye with a #34 rubber band with a 1/16 thickness. I only know that because
the #24, 1/32’s sting but don’t leave a red mark.

“Where do you think you’re going?” she snortled.

“None of your business!” I shouted back as I ran into the boss’s office, tears running
down my cheeks, right hand over left eye, nose fluids flowing profusely.

I wanted to say “I demand a pay raise” but all that came out was a very garbled, “I
demand a PEZ.” Fortunately, he had a Humpty Dumpty PEZ dispenser on his desk
and offered me several candies. They were strawberry with a slight aftertaste of mint

“So you want a pay raise, is that it?”

“Yes, yes… that would be nice. Thank you!”

“Well you’re not going to get one. In fact, I had twenty-two complaints this month
alone about someone in your department stapling all the napkins together in the
employee break room as well as writing ‘Ted from Accounting is a jerk’ with staples on
the wall of the senior management conference room.”

I reminded him that it could have been anyone from my department and I would be
sure to dish out swift justice. He then reminded me that I was the only one who worked
in the department. Touché!

As I left his office, Ms. Butinsnots chortled then hit me from behind with a #24. She
wasn’t laughing on Monday when she woke from her nap and found herself stapled to
her chair and her box of rubber bands glued shut. It may have been someone from my
department, but I’m not saying who.

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