No more monkey business

To: The White House, US House of Representatives, US Senate
CC: American Express, Tippy’s Quicky Loans, Debtors Anonymous

Dear Mr. and/or Mrs. Fedgov,

Our records indicate that your outstanding debt stands at $18,106,123,160,332 (and counting). Because of your humongously large amount of debt, your case has been assigned to agent Douglas Carson and myself by 320,274,478 Americans.

First of all, we commend you for your amazing sense of humor in the face of such looming debt catastrophe. I mean, proposing an almost four trillion dollar budget when you are eighteen trillion in the hole? You guys must have a few American Express Platinum cards hidden away in your sock drawer somewhere. (Carson laughed as I wrote that. He has a great sense of humor too).

But seriously, your debt is totally out of hand. I mean, if my mother were here today (God rest her soul) and she saw how you guys handled your money, she would have had a serious conniption fit then introduced you to “The Paddle” as she liked to call it. I kid you not.

Look, we really hate to shut you guys down, so let’s play nice, shall we? Agent Carson and I identified a few places you can make cuts in order to reduce some of that debt, pronto.

Department of Homeland Security: How’s that whole immigration thingy going for you guys? Yea, that’s what we thought too. And the TSA? Catch any terrorists yet? (That was Carson. He’s standing over me as I write this. He’s laughing so hard there are tears running down his cheeks. I swear.) Time to cut and run on this one. Savings: $38 billion.

Department of Education: I just found out that US students rank 36th in the world. Could you imagine the United States coming in 36th place in the Olympics? We can’t either. Savings: $77 billion.

Department of Justice: Agent Carson seemed to think that has something to do with the Hall of Justice  and the Super Friends. When I told him it has more to do with Fast and Furious and the War on Drugs, he starting laughing again then said, “Even Superman can’t fix that one.” Savings: $8 billion.

The Internal Revenue Service: Carson told me some time ago he wanted to be an IRS agent growing up, but that he wanted to have friends. No really, you guys need all the friends you can get. Savings: $13 billion.

I sent Agent Carson out to do a little more digging and he discovered some “projects” you guys spent money on that if any of us tried to do, we would have been locked up in a group home for less-than-funny people:

– $171,000 to study how monkeys gamble. (I told Carson that he could just come to my house on any given Friday night to study that behavior).

– $50,000 to create a synchronized swimming sea monkey team.

– $800,000 to make a video game about food fights. (Right… like that really sounds legit).

As you can imagine, we received some pretty colorful letters and messages from people all over the country when they found out how you guys handle your finances. Words like ‘boob’, ‘blockhead’, and ‘mentally defective’ topped the list along with an even longer list of words that even made Carson blush.

If you don’t reign it in, we’re going to have to shut you down to get all the money you owe. That is, right after Agent Carson gets his Sea Monkeys Ocean Zoo Deluxe Kit Set from Amazon delivered by your United States Postal Service. Which, by the way, owes $100 billion.

We look forward to helping you straighten up your act. No really, we do.


Agents Brandon Stentwelder and Douglas Carson
Stentwelder and Carson Bail Bonds and Debt Collection

P.S. Carson suggests you cut up your credit cards to avoid the temptation of using them. Have you thought of that yet?

“But the Emperor has nothing at all on!”

You’re darn tootin’ he doesn’t.

Hans Christian Andersen summed up the idea of sucking up to madmen and their stupidity back in 1837 with his tale, “The Emperor’s New Clothes.” The final lines of the story goes like this:

“But the Emperor has nothing at all on!” said a little child. “Listen to the voice of the child!” exclaimed his father. What the child had said was whispered from one to another. “But he has nothing at all on!” at last cried out all the people. The Emperor was upset, for he knew that the people were right. However, he thought the procession must go on now! The lords of the bedchamber took greater pains than ever, to appear holding up a train, although, in reality, there was no train to hold, and the Emperor walked on in his underwear.”

See? Stupidity and madness on a grand scale. Stupidity and madness you won’t find in our more enlightened 21st century.

[Insert uncontrollable laughter here.]

I mean, c’mon, can you think of a more insane time than 2015? A time where a bunch of madmen (and women!) walk around in their underwear, knowing full well they’re practically naked, insisting that the procession go on?

And we the enlightened, we the sane, we the sheeple, follow dutifully behind the parade. Madness I tell you… sheer madness.

But perhaps there are enough child-like people left who are brave enough to point out that the Emperor has nothing on at all. Gee whilakers, I sure hope so.

Because in order to cure madness, we have to point out the madmen and their insane ideas. Okay?

As G.K. Chesterton wrote: “Curing a madman is not arguing with a philosopher; it is casting out a devil.” Time to stop arguing with the madmen and instead, cast out a demon or two.

Let the exorcism begin!