Canned Ham and Animal Crackers

Who is living under the bed of ignorance when they refuse to see that the price of
canned ham products and animal crackers are shooting through the roof?

Everything costs more these days and sometimes, you can’t just put necessities off any longer
because of lack of money. I mean, the broken training wheel on my bicycle isn’t going to
fix itself and the pet rock needs braces.

I had to ask for a raise at work. But how?

After shooting 200 top quality steel-tipped aluminum 13/8, 1.828 mm staples into my
cubicle wall from three feet away while pacing nervously thinking about all my money
woes, it dawned on me that I had spelled the word “pleh” out of staples which is “help”
backwards. Indeed… it was a sign.

Finally, at 4:59 p.m. on a fateful Friday afternoon, I walked with determination to the
boss’s office where I was forcefully stopped by the secretary, Ms. Butinsnots. She hit me
in the left eye with a #34 rubber band with a 1/16 thickness. I only know that because
the #24, 1/32’s sting but don’t leave a red mark.

“Where do you think you’re going?” she snortled.

“None of your business!” I shouted back as I ran into the boss’s office, tears running
down my cheeks, right hand over left eye, nose fluids flowing profusely.

I wanted to say “I demand a pay raise” but all that came out was a very garbled, “I
demand a PEZ.” Fortunately, he had a Humpty Dumpty PEZ dispenser on his desk
and offered me several candies. They were strawberry with a slight aftertaste of mint
toothpaste.

“So you want a pay raise, is that it?”

“Yes, yes… that would be nice. Thank you!”

“Well you’re not going to get one. In fact, I had twenty-two complaints this month
alone about someone in your department stapling all the napkins together in the
employee break room as well as writing ‘Ted from Accounting is a jerk’ with staples on
the wall of the senior management conference room.”

I reminded him that it could have been anyone from my department and I would be
sure to dish out swift justice. He then reminded me that I was the only one who worked
in the department. Touché!

As I left his office, Ms. Butinsnots chortled then hit me from behind with a #24. She
wasn’t laughing on Monday when she woke from her nap and found herself stapled to
her chair and her box of rubber bands glued shut. It may have been someone from my
department, but I’m not saying who.

Hitler Factory

angry man

Photo courtesy of Piotr Siedlecki

When it comes to dictators, who does history judge to be the worst of the worst? Kim Il Sung? Stalin? Pol Pot? Vlad the Impaler? The DMV clerk?

No, no, and no again (and a few more ‘no’s’ thrown in for good measure).

Without a doubt, when you think of a horrific dictator, the name Hitler will inevitably come up. As in, “Man, that guy is a regular Hitler” or “You’re worse than Hitler” or even “You have ear hair like Hitler.”

But as bad as Hitler was, he was nothing compared to what is looming on the horizon: Legions of little Hitlers being forged in the furnace of Hitler.

These are the little Hitlers you see throwing tantrums in grocery stores, walking on tables in restaurants, being begged by their parents to behave.

They are the little urchins you see running around society today, holding their participation trophies in one hand and their “Guide to Being a Little Hitler” in the other.

Before you know it, they will be adult Hitlers throwing tantrums in grocery stores, walking on tables in restaurants, being begged by others to behave.

They’ll expect you to do their bidding, punish you when you don’t, expect you to coddle them, do their work for them, all the while getting sure delight out of watching you jump every time they demand you do something.

But here’s the real kicker…

With so many little Hitlers being forged in the furnace of Hitler, the world will soon be filled with Hitlers. In fact, they’ll be working for the same companies, going to the same colleges and universities, marrying other Hitlers.

Which makes me wonder, what happens when Hitler meets Hitler?

– If Hitler A and Hitler B throw a tantrum on the floor at the same time, which Hitler will get up off the floor first?

– If Hitler X expects Hitler Y to do her bidding but Hitler Y expects Hitler X to do her bidding, who’s bidding gets done? Or do they both end up in a Hitler hissy fight?

– If Hitler P32 is a task team leader and demands that Hitler P37 does a task but Hitler P37 refuses, does Hitler P32 sit in a corner of the office sucking on his thumb for the rest of the day?

The problem here is that not everyone can be a Hitler dictator. Granted, everyone will want to get their own way, have a meltdown if they don’t, and in general, punish the people around them for not obeying their every command. But if every little Hitler is being a little Hitler to everyone else, then there won’t be anyone left to not be a Hitler. Which leads me to wonder, is it too late to stop this Hitler phenomenon from occurring?

I have to conclude that, Yes. It’s definitely too late.

You might as well give up all hope right now. Because the Hitlers of tomorrow are already in little Hitler training, ready to be unleashed on the world.

So if you’re not a little Hitler and have no plans on being one, you may want to change your mind, part your hair on the side, and wear a funny stub of a mustache. Otherwise, you’ll be the one handing out all the Hitler participation trophies and doing all the work that the little Hitlers will expect others to do for them.

Then maybe you should consider getting a job at the DMV.

 

 

Unthinking Hopelessness

Warning label

Today, I am going to take umbrage.

First, because I am truly upset about a great travesty of justice that is occurring in our world as we speak. And second, because I just love saying the word ‘umbrage.’

Umbrage, umbrage, umbrage.

Back to the first point…

As a society, we simply don’t do enough to help a segment of our population get along in this world. A segment of the population sometimes referred to as morons, dingbats, dorks and dopes, blockheads, boobs, and idiots. A segment of the population that refuses to think, which appears to be growing exponentially.

To help this seemingly helpless segment, we’ll have to call on a very powerful societal mechanism: The Labeling Industry.

To date, the labeling industry has done much to help by creating warning labels, signs, and stickers, trying to help these unfortunate people navigate this thing we call “life.”

– “Do not put any person in this washer” sticker on a clothes washing machine.

– “This product moves when used” label on a scooter.

– “Do not hold the wrong end of a chainsaw” on the — you guessed it — a chainsaw.

But even with a plethora of labeling pointing out the obvious to a class of people who obviously can’t discern the obvious, the situation is becoming a nationwide, nay, a worldwide crisis.

Thankfully, a group of labeling experts converged in California (a state known for a large percentage of the said population) to come up with compassionate labeling. Labeling that will help the hopelessly helpless lead lives of helpless hopelessness:

– “Head goes here. Arms go there” (with directional arrows) on all shirts, blouses, and clothing that covers the upper part of the body.

– “To operate, place left foot forward, then put right foot forward. Repeat” on shoes, sandals, and any material covering the foot (‘L’ and ‘R’ is to be placed on all footwear to aid in proper direction following).

– “Lid must be in upright position before using” (complete with diagram) for all toilets.

You’re probably thinking, “This is a good start” and you would be right. But we can do even better:

– “Do not stare directly at me” label on the sun.

– “Environment contains air. Please breath in then out, repeating as needed” tattooed onto the eyeballs of those most in need.

– “Water is wet and will make items placed in it or touched by it wet” signage on all bodies of water to include, lakes, rivers, oceans, puddles, drinking fountains, and tear ducts.

– “Snow is cold and if touched, will transfer cold properties to whatever is touched to it” on all snow, ice, hail, and people with frigid personalities.

I think we would all feel better about ourselves if we did that. And if we’re feeling better, then we must be doing better. I think even the most unthinking amongst us would agree with that.

Get your Hook and Loop Jersey™ today!

football jersey

Introducing the new Hook and Loop Sports Jersey™!

– Tired of putting up with your spoiled brat athlete getting up and skedaddling to another team?

– Sick of rooting for your golden child who just last week said you and the people of your city were “the greatest fans in the world”?

– Furious that you’re stuck with a worthless jersey, complete with the last name of the unfaithful loser on your back?

Well fret no more because the Hook and Loop Jersey Company™ is proud to announce:

Hook and Loop Jersey™!

That’s right. With Hook and Loop Jersey™, you don’t have to put up with Multi-Millionaire Athletes™ leaving you holding the bag. Or in this case… the jersey.

That’s because the Hook and Loop Jersey™ is made with a space-age hook and loop fastening material on the back of the jersey. The futuristic hook and loop material is also on the patented Hook and Loop Name Strip™, imprinted with the name of the athlete. Simply attach the Hook and Loop Name Strip™ to the Hook and Loop Panel™ on the back of the jersey and voila! No more shame or embarrassment.

Here’s how it works:

When you buy your team jersey, simply specify which athlete’s name from that team you want attached to the back. When you get your jersey, simply attach the Hook and Loop Name Strip™ to the Hook and Loop Panel™ on the back of the jersey. Nothing could be easier!™

Now when that Two-Timing Jerk™ you pledged your loyalty too decides to get up and leave for another team, simply tear off the Hook and Loop Name Strip™ and toss it out or burn it in effigy over your stove or in your fireplace. Then, order the name of the athlete that takes his place and put it on the Hook and Loop Panel™. There you go… Fresh Start™.

Who should get a Hook and Loop Jersey™?

– Anyone who is too embarrassed to wear the jersey of a Spoiled Multi-Millionaire Athlete™ who can’t resist leaving town for more money.

– The man or woman who just can’t afford buying a new jersey every time a prima donna athlete decides to leave The Best Fans In The World™ to play with another team that has The Best Fans In The World™.

– A wonderful idea for that hard-to-buy-for-friend who is constantly in tears about the loss of their Favorite Player™.

Each jersey sells for only $199.99. Buy the Hook and Loop Name Strip™ for just $49.95. But if you act now, we’ll throw in one Hook and Loop Name Strip™ with your jersey for only $179.99. A savings of nothing, just like you get taken every time you spend all your money to go to a live sporting event.

But wait… there’s more.

If you act within the next 30 seconds, we’ll throw in a second jersey for just $199.99. That way, if you happen to have more than one jerk of an athlete on your favorite team who leaves, you’ll have two jersey numbers to attach Hook and Loop Name Strips™.

Additional Hook and Loop  Name Strips™ are just $59.95.

So tell your friends, tell your family. Get your very own Hook and Loop Jerseys™ today and save yourself the Humiliating Embarrassment™ of attaching your good name to that of a Spoiled Rich Athlete™. Don’t get stuck wearing yesterday’s names today. Get your Hook and Loop Jerseys™ now!

[Not sold in stores. Available only through this special offer. We retain the right to refuse the return of Hook and Loop Name Strips™ from athletes who leave then return then leave again and come back. That’s just a poor life choice on your part.]