A Paddle for Your Thoughts?

Whining crybaby

Photo courtesy of Gratisography

Have you ever wondered what’s wrong with America?

I mean, what’s really wrong with America?

Well, here’s my answer:



That’s right. You heard it here first. I repeat…


You can drive from sea to sea and see purple mountains majesty and foaming seas and stuff like that. The sun rises and sets. We get four seasons most everywhere (except in Florida where they get sunrises, heat, and hurricanes). God did a pretty good job with America.

It’s the people who keep screwing it up.

People rioting, having temper tantrums, holding their breath, turning blue. (Oh how I wish more of them would turn blue!)

People in the newspaper, on the TV news, splashed all over the Internet.

“Gimmee, gimmee, gimmee!”

“We don’t like this. We don’t like that. Waaaaaah!”

“Hey! Let’s start a fire!”

I think if we’re going to turn America from wrong to right, we’re going to need a new leader. A person of such wisdom and clarity, someone who could turn things around in a heartbeat.

My mother.

With my mother in charge, there would only be two courses of action for the whiny crybabies who seem to have taken the country by storm:

1) A righteous spanking with a paddle

2) Being sent to your room to take a nap

Now, I haven’t talked to my mother about this, but it doesn’t seem like paddling every brat in the country is feasible. You’d have to establish a spanking corps. A group dedicated to paddling offenders from coast to coast.

The problem nowadays is that out of a population of 309 million people, about half of those would have to be in the corps. In the old days, we simply called them “parents” but nowadays, we seem to be short on “parents” so it might not be the best way to go.

My bet is that mom would probably go for nap time.

I think her first order of business would be to create designated napping facilities throughout the country. Put one anywhere there are whiny, crabby people. You know, pretty much on every street corner…

  • Professional baseball and football games
  • Grocery store checkout lines
  • Any retail store on Black Friday (and Black Thursday Night)
  • Justin Bieber concerts
  • Capitol Hill
  • College campuses
  • Union shops
  • White collar office building

I think my mother could pull this off.

If you didn’t take your nap, she would threaten you with not coming out until you’ve taken your nap. Of course, there wouldn’t be any WiFi or computers in any of the napping areas. It would just be you, alone, with nothing but your miserable, useless thoughts. That by itself would be enough to set most people straight. Except that most people don’t think, so maybe there’s a glitch here I should tell mother about.

Well, doesn’t really matter. If anyone can straighten out the people of America, it’s my mother. Even if it takes a good paddling.

The Momma Spank Solution


Photo courtesy Boston Public Library


Back in the day, this was the sound of good parenting when a child was caught in a lie:


The first round usually stung pretty bad.


The second wasn’t so much a sting as a confirmation that you weren’t going to get out of this one.


By the third round, you had pretty much figured out you couldn’t get away with a lie with that kind of mother around.

“No child of mine is going to grow up to be a two-bit liar.”


“No sir, not on my watch!”

Back in those good ol’ days, you had a choice. Either you 1) swore you’d never tell a lie again or 2) you resolved to be a better liar. Option 1 brought you much peace and joy in childhood. Option 2 brought you much pain, misery, and a sore bottom.

There’s no such thing as a better liar when there’s a mother and a paddle involved.

Practically speaking, those who chose the path of never telling a lie went on to become decent, honest human beings. Those who chose the path of Option 2 became…


Now there are many theories as to why politicians are usually sleezy, scum-sucking liars. But I think the main reason is they didn’t get a good whoopin’ by a decent mother with a decent paddle when they were caught in a lie. So I propose the following for all politicians…

From now on, whenever anyone at any level of government gets elected, they are given a mother to help them with their duties. And not some wimpy mom whose idea of punishment is a time out in a room full of computer games and a juice bar.

Oh no, they get a real, honest-to-goodness mother. One who can smell a lie coming a mile away and who keeps her paddle at the ready.

And now Senator Gladys Simons will discuss her bill on downsizing government. 

“And I pledge to cut five…”




“I pledge to try and cut maybe one federal department that has been fleecing the American people of their hard-earned money,” she says as she wipes the sweat from her brow.

“That’s much better, honey. Momma is so proud of you. Let’s go out to Dairy Queen and get you a nice ice cream cone.”

“Thanks, Mommy.”

And no political position will be exempt…

“Thanks to my leadership, the budget deficit has been reduced by almost half.”


“You no-good liar! How dare you lie to the American people at your State of the Union address. You are done, mister. You hear me? Done!”

“But Mom, I’m not done with my speech.”

“Oh yes you are, Mr. Liar President. In fact, you’re grounded.”


“Don’t you ‘No’ me young man.”


Then we’ll have honest politicians and finally — FINALLY! — voting for a politician will be an easy task. You just vote for the one whose fanny is too sore to sit down on.