Unthinking Hopelessness

Warning label

Today, I am going to take umbrage.

First, because I am truly upset about a great travesty of justice that is occurring in our world as we speak. And second, because I just love saying the word ‘umbrage.’

Umbrage, umbrage, umbrage.

Back to the first point…

As a society, we simply don’t do enough to help a segment of our population get along in this world. A segment of the population sometimes referred to as morons, dingbats, dorks and dopes, blockheads, boobs, and idiots. A segment of the population that refuses to think, which appears to be growing exponentially.

To help this seemingly helpless segment, we’ll have to call on a very powerful societal mechanism: The Labeling Industry.

To date, the labeling industry has done much to help by creating warning labels, signs, and stickers, trying to help these unfortunate people navigate this thing we call “life.”

– “Do not put any person in this washer” sticker on a clothes washing machine.

– “This product moves when used” label on a scooter.

– “Do not hold the wrong end of a chainsaw” on the — you guessed it — a chainsaw.

But even with a plethora of labeling pointing out the obvious to a class of people who obviously can’t discern the obvious, the situation is becoming a nationwide, nay, a worldwide crisis.

Thankfully, a group of labeling experts converged in California (a state known for a large percentage of the said population) to come up with compassionate labeling. Labeling that will help the hopelessly helpless lead lives of helpless hopelessness:

– “Head goes here. Arms go there” (with directional arrows) on all shirts, blouses, and clothing that covers the upper part of the body.

– “To operate, place left foot forward, then put right foot forward. Repeat” on shoes, sandals, and any material covering the foot (‘L’ and ‘R’ is to be placed on all footwear to aid in proper direction following).

– “Lid must be in upright position before using” (complete with diagram) for all toilets.

You’re probably thinking, “This is a good start” and you would be right. But we can do even better:

– “Do not stare directly at me” label on the sun.

– “Environment contains air. Please breath in then out, repeating as needed” tattooed onto the eyeballs of those most in need.

– “Water is wet and will make items placed in it or touched by it wet” signage on all bodies of water to include, lakes, rivers, oceans, puddles, drinking fountains, and tear ducts.

– “Snow is cold and if touched, will transfer cold properties to whatever is touched to it” on all snow, ice, hail, and people with frigid personalities.

I think we would all feel better about ourselves if we did that. And if we’re feeling better, then we must be doing better. I think even the most unthinking amongst us would agree with that.

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